- Valerie Hopkins ('09): Hopkins will bring some executive experience to the ticket, and she might placate jilted Hillary supporters - you know, radically belligerent feminists - by providing feminine presence. Of course, since in today's political terminology those women termed "feminists" in these contexts seem to show hatred at the idea of a woman other than Hillary (such as Kathleen Sebelius) getting this honor, Hopkins might only exacerbate the PUMAs. While she has a term of VP service already completed at the SA level, she's just getting started at the presidency and as such opens the ticket up to further inexperience criticism from John McCain.
- Zach Pilchen ('09): Pilchen can show Obama a thing or two about moving to the center for a general election. Remember his long hair and his vocal support for gender-blind housing? Yeah, neither do I. Right now, there are still some disgruntled leftists aching about Obama's alleged betrayal of "progressives" (remember, kids - every time you call yourself a "progressive" instead of being proud of being a "liberal," a conservative gets his wings) and surely the Senator could use Pilchen's jiu-jitsu, whatever it is. Having already served as SA president, Pilchen brings much-needed experience to the ticket - though at the same time, he threatens to overshadow the junior senator from Illinois. I can see the ads now: Spears! Obama! Hilton! Pilchen!
- Matt Beato ('09): Oops! This one goes under the "McCain VP Speculation" post.
- Matt Pinsker ('09): Can two fledgling senators win the White House and the Naval Observatory (where the Vice President lives, kids!) together? Pinsker is a true Virginian, unlike the Beltway trash Pilchen and Hopkins. While the freshman Pinsker would have been a more logical partner for, say, David Duke or Alan Keyes, college has opened Pinsker's mind sufficiently that he might consider lending his talents to Obama. Possessing both military and cheerleading experience (like John Kerry and George Bush combined), Pinsker can bring an eclectic approach to the job. And he's Jewish! Hey, don't look at me like that. If a voter is turned off by a black guy at the top of the ticket, he's not going to care about a Jew on the bottom. All this will do is reassure those old Jewish voters in Florida, whose senility rivals McCains, under the impression that Obama is a communist Nazi Muslim pederast... gypsy. What was I saying?
- Ross Gillingham ('10): Obama has long looked to Gillingham's inspirational debut in SA politics as a lodestar to his own political rise. It is only natural that Obama is reportedly considering honoring his role model with a place on his ticket. Even if Obama-Gillingham goes on to lose, the latter still has the option of running for the SA presidency a few months later. But is Gillingham willing to go into the fight after being crippled in such a high-profile loss? Time will tell. At any rate, a Gillingham pick also has an obvious geographic rationale, since he could help bring his home state of Ohio into the Democratic column.
- Sarah Rojas ('10): Sure, Obama-Rojas could sweep any beauty pageant, if there's such a thing as couples beauty pageants. Probably not, as they'd probably just make everyone watching them jealous. But I guess that's a little off topic. Rojas might be more of a defensive pick. If Obama's worried about losing Jersey (since every election year Jersey likes to taunt Republicans with the thought that they'll go red, even though that will never, ever happen), he might pick Rojas to hold it. If he's worried about Latinos, who largely favored Hillary over him in the primaries but now strongly back him over McCain, there's that too. She's also a woman (see: Hopkins) and Jewish (see: Pinsker), strictly speaking. Well, she's definitely a woman. You don't think of her as Jewish, but her mom is, and that's what matters for real Jews. I just wanted to clarify that I do not question Senator Rojas's femininity. Anyway, a Rojas pick can help to mollify aggrieved Hillaristas, but comes with the downside of opening up the ticket to the perception that it's just two pretty faces.
- At this point, for diversity's sake, I was going to get on facebook to grab the name of a random incoming freshman (Class of 2012). I didn't want to actually base my analysis on their information, since that would be stalking, and instead was going to make up funny shit about them a la Chuck Norris facts. "If you do not vote for [Obama-Freshman], they will take power." Except it would have been better than that. Right now I'm tired. I was literally about to kneel by my bedside to say my prayers (no, really) before bed when inspiration struck me and I had to come downstairs to write this. So I'm not in prime form to quasi-stalk a random freshman. Ideally I would have slept on the whole thing so I could fine-tune it, expand it, etc. but the topic becomes untimely at some point tomorrow morning while I'm at work. So enjoy, loyal readers/suckers. NDH is back, baby.
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Lovingly,
KY
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